A Mysterious Manger
In reflecting back on 2009, I am left with one word that has played a more significant role in my life than any other this year: mystery. Although the word applies to many facets of my life recently, it has been particularly true of my interpretation of God and our relationship.
Although I’ve spent the last several years asking questions about my birth and the “why”s that go with that, this is the first year that I can honestly say that I’ve had that conversation directly with God. And, it is the first time that I’ve presented some of that questioning in such an open, public manner. I’m glad I’ve engaged in these areas; yet, I can tell you that none of my questions have been answered — or at least answered in a manner that I am currently satisfied with.
That’s the thing about God. His ways are extremely mysterious to me.
But, that’s not all bad. The thing I’ve come to realize about God is that I am engaged in a relationship with him – times of ups and downs, times that require work, times of contentment and times of extreme frustration. As is true with a solid relationship, though, I’m realizing it can bear these fluctuations in emotions.
I don’t need God to answer all my questions, just to be confident that he hears them and to know that there are times that he weeps alongside me.
Christmas brings us a fascinatingly mysterious story. Yet, it’s a story that I feel we’ve tried our best to take the mystery out of. Images from our nativity sets show a clean manger lined with fresh straw, Mary and Joseph with smiles on their faces and Jesus sleeping quietly.
Silent Night? Holy Night? I’m wondering if, in that moment, Mary and Joseph would have named the night as such.
Imagine the tumultuous travel that would be inherent for a woman nearing birth while riding on a donkey. The frustration of being denied access to an inn – on a night Mary would give birth, nonetheless. And, I can only imagine that Mary’s mouth was not only shouting blessings to heaven as she lay there birthing a child in a damp, stinky manger that had been used to house animals.
There are so many pieces to this story that do not make sense – so much so that you can only think that the facts are true, because no one would make up a story this crazy to introduce the Son of God!
Think about these few basic pieces of the narrative that make up the Christmas story:
- A virgin giving birth
- No room at the Inn in Joseph’s hometown of Bethlehem, leaving the birth of Jesus to be held in an empty stable
- Angels appearing to sheperds, telling them, “Do not be afraid”
- A new star in the sky lighting the way for the Wise Men to find Jesus
- Herod demanding that all males be killed at the time of Jesus’ birth
This is crazy, mysterious stuff! There’s no way around it. As much as you sing soft, quiet hymns, dim the lights and light candles in the room for a Christmas Eve service, I simply can’t get away from the absolute insanity of this story.
As a friend recently told me, though, God’s insanity is far better than man’s knowledge.
No, God does not make sense to me – but I’m not sure he was meant to. For centuries he has made himself known to humans in a way that few comprehend. So, why should I expect that to change for me?
God seems crazy. His ways appear insane. And, his methods are often mysterious.
That’s fine with me, though. To be honest, I’m not sure I’d like some of the answers that would be offered to in response to my questions anyway!
Exciting and Terrifying, all at the same time
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” That quote, from Eleanor Roosevelt, is a perfect introduction to this post. I want to tell you about something I’m embarking upon that is both very exciting and terrifying!
For those of you that are Facebook friends, you saw a status update from me this past week that stated –
“Sabbatical form submitted at work, travel dates set (April 14-May 5), consultation with Paul @ Rick Steves. Italy and France, here I come!”
The part that I left out in that status update was this –
“And, he is scared sh*tless about how he is going to pull off this trip that he’s been looking forward to for a couple of years.”
You see, if you came to my office tomorrow, handed me a bag full of belongings and told me that I’d be traveling around the United States for three weeks straight, I’d be sure my dressing device was included and I’d be on my merry way. I like to travel and I would find enjoyment in the adventure that was about to take place. But, that is largely due to the fact that I can find a handicap-accessible bathroom where I can use the aforementioned dressing device at every hotel and public facility in this country.
Traveling to Italy and France is an entirely different story, though. And that’s where the panic enters. I won’t get into the details here, but suffice it to say that a flight anywhere north of five hours long is a challenge for me because I have yet to figure out how to use an airplane restroom on my own. That is just the first step, though, as Italy and France are not exceptionally accommodating for travelers with disabilities I’m told.
My plan up until this point has been to travel with a friend of mine. However, a recent job change and the fact that he is now a client of mine (again) puts this plan at risk. Although we have yet to conclude that this won’t work, it certainly presents new challenges. So, that could put me back at square one.
You might suggest a three-week trip around these great United States, instead. I’ve thought about it and — like so many other things I’ve dealt with in my life — I refuse to settle for the easier path. Ever since traveling to Egypt and Ethiopia with a client of mine in 2005, I’ve had my passion for travel ignited. Mostly, I’ve clamored for a trip to Europe.
As I’ve mentioned here before, though, my passion for travel and the ease in which I accomplish that task do not match. This causes quite a rub!
But, like most obstacles in my life, I refuse to give in and I’ll figure out a way to accomplish this trip of a lifetime. Because, although figuring all this out is a terrifying prospect, the excitement of achieving this dream of a long trip to Italy and France is even stronger. It’s not so much than I’m that independent; I’m just that stubborn!
(Oh, by the way, I am now accepting applications to be my travel buddy to Europe this spring!)
Reminder from Sanjaya
Yes, that’s right — I was reminded of something very important by our favorite local American Idol contestant, Sanjaya. Seems like miracles are everywhere this time of year!
One way or another, last week I found myself attending Black Nativity at Intiman for the second time in a matter of days. It truly is a spectacular show and I appreciated the opportunity to see it again. This time, though, I took away a very different message than I did days earlier — something that I explored in this earlier post.
Somehow I missed his introduction during the Saturday evening performance, but on Wednesday night I picked it up clearly. The young man about to sing the old hymn His Eye is on the Sparrow was the former American Idol. Although I have never watched a season of American Idol, I knew enough to recognize Sanjaya’s name. I knew him as the skinny kid from the Puget Sound that inexplicably kept sticking around week after week following the audience voting. This was confirmed for me as my friend that I attended the performance with giggled through the beginning of the song!
Sanjaya, however, reminded me of one of the most important lessons of my life — that God is near and that he has been with me every step of the way. I spend a fair amount of time here wrestling with issues around my creation and my disability, but just as pertinent are the ways in which I see God’s active hand as I look back on my 32 years of life thus far. So pertinent are these lyrics from the song —
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
In hearing Sanjaya sing these words, key points of my life (and the questions that came with them) flashed through my mind:
- Upon my birth, my parents were told that I would never walk, never feed myself and would always be reliant on help from others to do daily tasks. But, as history has proven, that was not to be.
- Nearing age 16, I wanted to drive like every other red-blooded, American young man. After much research, we found a man in California that adapted cars with a steering wheel on the floorboard of the car. In addition, the local school district and the state government paid for the expensive adaptions to the car. Having a car has offered me independence like none other in the years since.
- Moving to college was full of unknowns: leaving home, needing help from a roommate I’d never met and moving to a big city. I’m still not sure how it all happened, but I graduated from SPU two years later and was on my way to a marketing career.
- Traveling for work posed a significant challenge. Although I had developed a basic system for how to function away from home, the device I used to dress myself was based on weak suction cups that required a flat wall surface to work properly. Again, the state Department of Vocational Rehabilitation stepped in and connected me with a man that would help develop the special device I use today.
These are just a few of the ways that I’ve seen God appear in situations that I was confounded by. And, he still often meets me in those moments today — usually at the moment that I give up trying to figure it all out!
It was nice to pause and to be reminded of this truth last week. It took Sanjaya to break through with that reminder and I’m so glad I heard it the second time around!
Inspiration can come from anywhere!
In a week where we learned from Tiger Woods what the definition of a mulligan is, I’m taking one tonight! I’ll be back in the next night or two with my next post.
In the meantime, I leave you with a photo of the person who inspired my upcoming post –
Yes, that is Sanjaya from American Idol!
Subversive Baby
This weekend I’ve enjoyed my time with my dad and brother, in town to go to the Seahawks’ game today. Although that was the main reason for the two of them making their way to Seattle, we also attended Black Nativity at Intiman Theater. My dad is a big fan of gospel music and it was a fun holiday festivity.
Although there were many facets of the performance that I enjoyed, the key message that resonated with me was the unique way in which God chose to insert himself into humanity. You know the story: a virgin mother, a census to force a return to Bethlehem, the manger, etc. But, what was presented was the shunning and rejection that Joseph and Mary experienced in looking for a place to stay overnight — in Joesph’s hometown nonetheless. According to Christian belief, it was in a manger that the King was born. A king born in a manger? Now, that’s subversive! In one of the most critical moments in history, God chose to upend logic and to upset the way of royalty.
Another story presented later in the performance was a song about the woman who came to Jesus with her alabaster box in the New Testament. Simon was having a gathering of Pharisees (men of means) at his home to meet with Jesus. These were people of influence and prestige, so it was with displeasure that they responded to the entrance of a woman from the city (a woman with a sinful past) who sacrificed everything she had in order to wash Jesus’ feet with her tears and to anoint them with expensive perfume from her alabaster box. The Pharisees (the religious leaders of the time) pushed back on Jesus, noting that this disreputable woman had interrupted the gathering of people who lived holy lives. But, Jesus noted that she was forgiven and that he did not see her as an annoyance in the least. She subverted the concept of the party in a way that Jesus must have loved!
You see, God has never done anything in a logical way. He’s always been — and always will be — subversive. I think we (especially Americans) have lost sight of the true message of the Gospel. The false vision that we have of Jesus being a white baby is just the beginning of our folly! We want an organized, safe life where God does things our way. We seek wealth and power, while God entered into our world in the most humble way possible. And, there are churches out there that tell parishioners that God will bless them only if they give generously to the church.
This brings to mind this famous quote from Annie Dillard –
“On the whole, I do not find Christians, outside the catacombs, sufficiently sensible of the conditions. Does anyone have the foggiest idea what sort of power we so blithely invoke? Or, as I suspect, does no one believe a word of it? The churches are children playing on the floor with their chemistry sets, mixing up a batch of TNT to kill a Sunday morning. It is madness to wear ladies’ straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets. Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews. For the sleeping god may wake some day and take offense, or the waking god may draw us out to where we can never return.”
God should scare the hell out of us! As a friend of mine says, “God is insane. It’s just that his insanity is more sane than man’s knowledge.” But, we don’t want him to be so scary and mysterious. So, we domesticate him and put him in box where we can place him on a shelf where we can retrieve him when we most desperately need him.
Jesus was born a subversive baby and loved to subvert the religious leaders in the New Testament — and I’ll bet that he continues to work in ways that upset us and topple our world.
Published
During a week where we pause to remember all that we are thankful for, I’m excited to share an exciting development in my life.
I’ve been published!
Okay, so it’s just a grad school essay on leadership, but it’s a great first step. For any of you who are aspiring writers or who have one in your life, you know that being published is an accomplishment. I imagine that it’s much like an artist selling her first painting or a baseball player getting his first hit in the majors. So, as much as I want to downplay this accomplishment, I’m choosing to celebrate it with you!
Here is the description from the back cover of the book –
How do I prepare tomorrow’s leaders for the challenges of leadership? Everywhere you turn, the “leadership” question is being asked with ever-greater manic energy: Where will they come from? How do we reach this generation? I’m out of ideas on how to develop them any faster…what should I do? Here’s an approach you might consider… Listen to them. Leadership Stories from Tomorrow offers you a rare, one-of-a-kind glimpse into the minds and hearts of emerging leaders that have long eluded you. Their ideas, frustrations, beliefs, desires, resentments, and aspirations fills the pages of this book, and you’re given the raw, unfiltered perspectives of tomorrow’s leaders. In this foray into the inner sanctums of where emerging leaders reside, you will have a direct encounter with the provocative, edgy, and beautiful leadership postures of the generation of leaders waiting in the wings to take their place in the world. They will tell you most of what you need to know in order to gain their trust, train their minds, mentor their experience, challenge their assumptions, shape their viewpoints, and honor their hopes and anxieties, their theologies and desires. Once you read this book, your views on leadership will never be the same. And you will realize that the question “Are they ready?” isn’t nearly as vital as the more fundamental question… Are you ready?
It can be found at Amazon and other booksellers.
My portion covers five pages (pages 124-130), in a chapter called Stories of Truth-Telling: From Deception to Honesty.
As you know, this past Spring I decided to begin writing more frequently and posting some thoughts here on my blog. Although I hope and trust you’ve enjoyed some of my musings, the main thing I’m thankful for is how life-giving of a process this has been for me. I look forward to what the future holds and hoping that some day writing and speaking will become a career.
Thank you for continuing to join me on this journey!
Five Stages of Disability Awareness
by guest blogger Dan Vander Plaats
While this post pertains specifically to people with disabilities and how the church community interacts with them, I think it can be generally applied to all groups of ‘marginalized’ peoples. I think you know who I mean: people who, by virtue of background, status, race, ethnicity, orientation, or in some other way are relegated to a lesser status in the church community. That is, as a church community, we tend to naturally elevate those who are attractive, put-together, self-sufficient, et cetera.
A church community that has awakened to this injustice of disparity will eventually go through the following stages, all of which I will elaborate upon in future posts.
* Stage 1 – IGNORANCE: The stable church sees disability as a reflection only of the Fall.
* Stage 2 – PITY: People with disabilities are in a sorry state because of the Fall, perhaps even because of some sin committed by them or their family.
* Stage 3 – MERCY: People with disabilities are loved by God and we need to tend to their needs out of Christian compassion.
* Stage 4 – FRIENDSHIP: People with disabilities are actually whole people hiding underneath their disability, and God has used them to be a blessing to me.
* Stage 5 – CO-LABORERS: People with disabilities exist not only to be objects of mercy, pity, or compassion, but are actually called to work alongside me in service to the Kingdom. I am supposed to be equipping and encouraging them into every good work, just like I do for other believers.
What stage are you at? In John 9:1-2, the disciples were, at best, at stage 3 – though more likely at stage 2. The friends in Mark 2 were at stage 4. People who participate in their local Friendship Club, or who work here at Elim, are usually somewhere around stage 3 and 4 on the continuum.
What stage are you at? What stage do you think you should be at – where does God want you to be?
Dan is the Director of Advancement at Elim Christian Services, a client of mine. Visit his blog, Gospel of Weakness, for his continued posts in this series and for further insights on theology and how our Christian faith plays into matters involving disability.
I am privileged to work alongside with Dan and his team to raise funds for the tremendous work that Elim does with children and adults with disabilities. At Elim, they seek to move beyond the notions that the world continues to hold about persons with disabilities. Life at Elim stands in contrast to the world’s view. Through its four major program areas on its main campus and in 15 Discovery locations, over 300 servants work each day to bring 800 persons with disabilities beyond their potential to become the living testimonies God created them to be.
Changes Ahead
Just a quick note to let you all know that you’ll be seeing some changes to my blog soon. Here are a couple of the main areas you’ll see an impact in:
- I’ll be moving my blog to my own URL and will no longer be using WordPress as my host. This allows for more flexibility and functionality.
- Subscription options will be added — this is the main reason for the change noted previously. The new site will offer a box where you can submit your e-mail address and every time I add a new post it will be delivered to your inbox.
- I’m hoping to shift to a more readable theme, where the font is larger more easily able to be deciphered.
What else would you like to see? I don’t know how all this technology works, but I’m getting help from a friend who does, so let me know what you’d like to see improved. Looking forward to hearing from you!
Community
First, it will fun to see how many hits I get this week with this blog post title. I suspect there will be a few folks stumbling upon my blog looking for information about the new NBC sitcom Community. If that’s you, sorry to disappoint. I plan to talk about actual relationships here — not sitting in front of a TV and acting like it’s a relationship!
I’m in a season where I’ve been blessed with a large community of folks to connect with and to share stories with. Part of that has to do with the fact that I’m not taking any grad school classes right now and that has opened up free time to pursue relationships. And, part has to do with unique opportunities that have presented themselves within the past few months. Either way, it’s been a great way to spend this fall — with a wide variety of folks that continue to offer themselves and their stories.
Amongst my valued time with friends and family (which has increased as of late as well), I’ve recently joined two groups:
1. The Hearth: a small group of folks from various spiritual backgrounds. Although we are reading The Reason for God (by Timothy Keller) together, it’s more of a discussion group rather than a book club. We gather at my house every other week and I’m amazed at the level of honestly and relationship I’ve discovered through this group so far.
2. Core Audience at Intiman Theatre: again, a diverse group of people (this one larger, at 30-40 people) that watches a play then discusses it afterward. Yesterday was the first group discussion of the year as we attended a production about Abe Lincoln that inspired great thoughts about what it means to be a leader and a hero.
The sense of community for me has less to do with joining a group, though, and much more about opening myself up to others. This is something that I believe very few of us do well, if at all.
Throughout the fall the phrase that keeps coming to mind in regards to relationship is “to have others hold up a mirror for us to see ourselves.” As someone who spends a lot of time alone thinking, I’m learning that narcissism pales in comparison to what is offered in a true community. To share your life and passions with others and to have them reflect that back to you is amazing.
Recently I met a friend of mine, Pete, for lunch and he offered to me within our time together that he could see my newly-discovered love for writing and telling my story. And, in reflecting that back to me, he was asking what plans I’d put in place to make that happen. He could see the desire and now he wanted to know what steps I was taking to fan that flame. That’s what I mean about a mirror reflecting. It challenged me to recognize that truth about myself and to begin to consider how I truly risk in pursuance of that desire.
Too often we think of dreams and goals as something that we set our minds to and pursue alone. That’s part of the nature of who we are as humans and it makes for a great story. Instead, I’m realizing that much of our dreams and goals are realized through community. People that encourage us to take a risk, folks that offer encouragement and those that offer us a chance to rest, laugh and enjoy life. Thank you to those friends that have done those things for me — and I can only hope that I’m providing a fraction of the same for you all.
Beginnings and Endings
Beginnings and endings are where we wrestle the most.
Our struggles center around creation and death.
So many days my breath is taken away by your creation.
The mountains, trees, lakes and the sun glistening off the Sound.
It’s curious, though, this fascination.
I see so much beauty in the nature you created,
but when I look in the mirror I don’t see the same.
Instead, I see a God that was absent.
You knit me together in my mother’s womb, right?
You tell me that know the number of hairs on my head,
but you missed the arms.
Were you there?
Did you miss me passing by on the conveyor belt of life?
Or, did you actually choose to create me this way?
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,”
you answered, when asked why a man was born blind.
“This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.”
I’m not comfortable with a God so sadistic and selfish.
But, maybe that’s who you are.
Or, maybe you’re loving and you grieve my wounded body alongside me.
So many of my questions for the Creator remain unanswered.
Death is the other bookend that leaves me struggling with you.
You took her so young; only 54 when the cancer consumed her.
She was my best friend and I was Grandma’s Little Angel.
So many traits I’ve inherited from her – enjoyment of flowers and planting,
and foods that I could have only learned to love from her.
My Grandma Phyllis was not perfect, but her love for me was.
I miss her.
An impression is made on a young boy feeling so frightened;
helpless to aid his Grandma “Phil” while she lay convulsing from seizures.
Not able to open a door or to reach the phone.
To not be able to do anything for a friend in need sets you down a path;
a path to never be caught off guard again.
So, I’ve learned to be prepared,
to not get too attached,
to not give my heart fully.
Because if I do, you may take that away from me again.
Stuck between beginnings and endings is where I live.
A frightened boy, living in a wounded body.
Afraid to make a move, scared to take a risk.
Paralyzed by the fear that you won’t meet me there.
Yet, you’ve met me so many times.
You’ve brought me safely thus far,
So bring me safely again.
Lord, let things end so that you can create anew.
